To preface this list, I shall establish that as of Saturday, March 16, 2013, all of these rides (unfortunately) operate at Disneyland Resort in California. As superior as the ride selection at Disney World is, there are simply too many bad attractions there to compile into a top 10 list.
10. King Triton's Carousel of the Sea
Located on the boardwalk of Paradise Pier, this ride seems to just be a last-minute decision by the Imagineers. It's almost like someone was playing Roller Coaster Tycoon and said, "There needs to be a ride here. We'll just slap on a merry-go-round." I put it pretty high on the list because the ride is what it is: a carousel. I have nothing against carousels, as I believe the King Arthur Carousel in Fantasyland to be much more thought-out and aesthetically pleasing. This one is bland and the wire-frame roof just makes it look unfinished. So sit back on a purple otter or an orange dolphin and listen to the sickening loop of carnival music. If you're looking for a Little Mermaid-themed ride, try Ariel's Undersea Adventure instead.
9. Gadget's Go Coaster
Chip 'n Dale Rescue Rangers. Does anyone even remember that show? It was a somewhat popular Disney Channel cartoon that ran for a mere one year before cancellation. Who would have thought it would spawn a Disney ride? Well, just like the TV series, Gadget's Go Coaster is too short, and rather unsatisfying. That's really all there is to it. I remember riding this coaster at a very young age, so the up side is that it's a good roller coaster for kids. I put this one at number 9 because I had to give credit to the imagineers. The whole thing is really creative and after 20 years it still looks nice. You ride in a little roller skate and the whole thing looks like it's made out of tinker toys. But aside from the creative nature of the structure and surrounding scenery, the ride offers very little.
8. Mater's Junkyard Jamboree
Although I love the new Cars Land attraction (more so than the disappointing movies it was based on), this ride doesn't exactly live up to the standard set by the rest of it. As I said in another review, this ride is basically a remake of Francis' Lady Bug Boogie at Flik's Fun Fair. It jerks you around in the back of a tractor and tosses you from side to side. I appreciate the mechanics and how the tractors switch tracks after each rotation, but did we really need another one of these? It's like a combination of the Teacups in Fantasyland and the Atom Smasher at Six Flags. And the song just gets annoying, like some kind of nightmarish square dance on repeat. Don't let this ride deter you, check out the other rides at Cars Land before riding Mater's Junkyard Jamboree.
Also, am I the only one who's really disturbed by the fact that Mater collects the body parts of dead cars? Maybe there's a side to Mater we're not seeing...
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| They should call it "Mater's Slaughterhouse Jamboree" |
Let me begin by saying that I truly think this is a fun ride. It's like Project X at Legoland or Cheetah Chase at Busch Gardens... in fact, it's like every other wild mouse ride ever built. And that's why it made the list. Disney rides are supposed to be unique and special, but Goofy's Sky School is just a cookie-cutter wild mouse coaster in the corner of Paradise Pier. While I approve of the makeover from Mulholland Madness to a tribute to the 1940 cartoon, "Goofy's Glider", I still don't see the appeal of an off-the-shelf DIY roller coaster you can find at any fun fair across the country.
6. Golden Zephyr
Not much to say about this ride. You hop in a chrome zeppelin and spin around a few times at the speed of a snail. It really blows. It's not all bad though, it usually boards quickly, has short wait times, and it has a nice little breeze, similar to Tomorrowland's infinitely better Astro Orbitor. It really is a slow ride with no thrill value, and judging by the immense amount of space it takes up, it seems like Disney could have built something a little more entertaining. I'll pass.
5. Jumpin' Jellyfish
Even as a kid I thought this ride was lame. It's a little drop tower and not much else. Lance Hart of ScreamScape said that Gadget's Go Coaster, Silly Symphony Swings, and Jumpin' Jellyfish, are all "off-the-shelf". Looking back on it, a lot of the simple Paradise Pier rides are just that, and don't offer anything new to the amusement park spectrum. Save for Toy Story Midway Mania, and the Ferris Wheel's swinging gondolas. I guess with Maliboomer, Tower of Terror, and this, Disney figured they didn't need three drop tower rides. It's just a shame they got rid of Maliboomer instead of this bore-fest.
4. Flik's Flyers
Wow. Next to Golden Zephyr, this is as bland a ride as you can imagine. You step into one of the disproportionately-sized Chinese take-out or animal cracker boxes and the ride, assembled from trash, spins around for a few minutes. A Bug's Land had an infamous reputation upon opening that the rides were just thrown together last-minute and really aren't that enjoyable. That's just about spot-on. It's hard to imagine someone of any age wanting to go to Disneyland just to ride in a spinning box or pill bug-shaped bumper cars. I hope they raze A Bug's Land and build something a little more lasting.
3. Finding Nemo Submarine Voyage
This ride is utterly a letdown; a vile reminder of the beautiful and imaginative ride that once was. The 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea Submarine Voyage. My earliest memories as a child are being carried down the ladder by a cast member, pressing my face against the glass, watching the giant squid attack the Nautilus, the graveyard of lost ships. You'd hear the spiel from Captain Nemo, and of course X. Atencio in the background saying "Aye aye, all ahead one third. Stand by the mooring lines." The bubbles shroud the vessel and you're transported to an underwater reef teeming with colorful plants and plastic fish. At such a young age I developed a love for marine life and the ocean, and I even got a scuba license because of that passion. But mine, and so many other hearts were broken when in 1998, the Nautilus, Neptune, Sea Star, Explorer, Seeker, Argonaut, Triton, and Sea Wolf all made their final voyage. But I never forgot the memories I made on that ride, and I waited patiently for it to reopen, as Disney had promised that final year. Almost a decade I waited, and as soon as the ride was reopened 9 years later, I waited for four hours in line. But it was like camping out to see The Phantom Menace. Little did I know that half the ride would be infested with CGI projections. Gone were the golden treasures of Atlantis, the circling sharks and glaciers hanging from the surface. Now we see a computer-generated Nemo and his turtle friend talking about all the "butts" on the seafloor. Why can't Disney get it right with Pixar rides? Only the Toy Story and Cars rides are even worth waiting for, and those are backed up for an hour on a good day. I implore Disney to demolish this sad excuse for an attraction, and bring back an updated 20KL. Finding Nemo was one of my favorite movies, but a ride based on it? It's already become outdated.
2. Davy Crockett's Explorer Canoes
For over 50 years, guests have been able to paddle their way around Tom Sawyer's Island (now Pirate's Lair) in Indian canoes. Sounds like fun, right? Well, you'd think it would be. But picture sitting in front of a rambunctious little brat whose only enjoyment is showering you in filthy, icy, green muck water. Or maybe you're behind a lazy tourist who sticks her paddle in the water every five minutes, spraying you with said muck that two people died in. Such is a typical experience on Davy Crockett's Explorer Canoes. The experience might be a little more pleasant if you were seated behind the Harvard rowing team, but let's be realistic. Instead, you're treated to tangling your paddle with first-time rowers who don't know how to sync with the guides. No matter where you're sitting, this ride will get you more soaked than Splash Mountain. And often, a child will drop their paddle in the water and watch it drift to shore, or get shredded to pieces by the Mark Twain. Who can blame them? I wouldn't force my son or daughter to endure this dreadful experience unless I wanted to punish them. And it's not like you can just stop rowing. The boat may be on a track, but it is the only Disney ride that's actually powered by guests, so if enough people stop rowing, the boat will come to a halt and you'll have to sit there. Better than getting drenched in river sludge, I suppose.
1. Heimlich's Chew Chew Train
Chances are, you've never even been on this ride. Heck, you may never even have heard of it. But it's pathetic. I mean, this is a really lousy ride. I can't believe I'm actually calling it a ride. Those festive trains that go around in circles at the mall are more fun than Heimlich's Chew Chew Train. And don't tell me that it's a baby ride that kids will enjoy. I first rode this ride when I was seven, and it became a joke between me and my friends on the playground. You ride inside the gluttonous yet lovable caterpillar Heimlich, from A Bug's Life, as he eats his way through everything in search of candy corn. It lasts for about five minutes. Five minutes of excruciating torture. You ride through enormous foodstuffs of varying scales and hear Heimlich say such classic lines as, "Zer's a fork in ze road! Vich vay to go?" when approaching a large, literal fork. The cheesy kiddy music will ring in your ears for the rest of the day. Maybe even the rest of your life. Please, do yourself a favor and do not even set foot on this ride. It's really not worth it. If your child wants to ride on Heimlich's Chew Chew Train, take them on literally any other ride instead. Even Flik's Flyers. Just stay away from this monstrosity. It is, in my opinion, one of the worst rides in Disneyland history. Second only to Superstar Limo. But that's another story.
Rest in Peace, Joe Ranft.
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