Churro

Ah yes, the famous Disneyland churro. Churros are a traditional Mexican favorite - a stick of fried dough rolled in sugar and cinnamon. Next to the enormous lollipops, they're the most iconic treat at Disneyland. When you make your way through the park, you won't be able to resist the enticing aroma of the fried dough and sweet, spicy cinnamon. They measure over a foot across and come wrapped in a thin sleeve of paper. The churros are crispy on the outside, and soft on the inside. They're light and convenient to carry, and easy to break if you want to share it with someone else. The Disneyland churros are quite close to perfection, but a little pricey at almost 4 bucks each. If it's your first visit to Disney, it's a must-have treat. With each successive visit to the park, the scent and taste of these nostalgic sweets will be sure to bring you back to your first one.

Price: $3.75
Location: Anywhere

Jalapeño Cheese Pretzel

Due to the popularity of this item, I decided I'd give my own two cents on it. It's the famous jalapeño cheese pretzel, available wherever pretzels are sold. Imagine a pretzel filled with cheese and sliced jalapeño peppers. That's really all the description I need to give. This pretzel is truly awesome, and for its price I highly recommend it. Personally I enjoy these, like all pretzels, with a packet of

Heinz mustard, which are complementary at the many pretzel vendors throughout Disneyland. Of course, the pretzel is just as good on its own. Just take a bite of one of these hot baked pretzels with oozing cheese and spicy jalapeño and you'll see what I mean. Of course, if you don't like Disneyland pretzels (preposterous), you can always go to Wetzels Pretzels, located in Downtown Disney.

Price: $3.75

Location: Anywhere

THROWBACK THURSDAY: Astro Blasters Gift Shop

Climb out of your space cruiser, and record your scores. Congratulations, you've just defeated the evil Emperor Zurg! Take a look at the candid photo of you abusing your trigger figure on alien invaders and walk past the gift shop, back into the busy streets of Tomorrowland. That's the drill when riding Buzz Lightyear Astro Blasters.

But have you ever stopped to take a closer look inside the gift shop? It hasn't got much; an assortment of Toy Story memorabilia and pins... but if you're old enough to remember the once popular Astro Jets ride, then you'll surely recognize this little guy:

It's not a replica either; it's one of the actual rockets that people used to ride in. If you look inside, you'll find the lever that would launch the rocket into orbit or bring it back down to earth. Many of the features have been updated - obviously it received a Buzz Lightyear-themed paint job, and the seating area has been bolted over. But look at the underside and you'll see that it hasn't exactly been altered from its original state. The mechanics and supports are all still in there.

The whereabouts of the many Rocket Jets have varied. After the ride was replaced by Astro Orbitor in 1998, they were auctioned off, and only a couple remained within Disney property. One of them was put on display in the line for the Rocket Rods attraction, a short-lived thrill ride whose waiting queue included many nods to the past, such as an actual Rocket Jet, a Skyway Gondola, and a PeopleMover car. Speaking of the PeopleMover...

That's right, the cashier counter itself is modeled after the PeopleMover. Obviously, this isn't a real vehicle that was used to carry guests, like our rocket friend up there. It's just a cool tribute to that beloved ride. Disappointed that you'll never see the PeopleMover again? Well, if you can manage to get into the Imagineering headquarters in California, you'll see lots of them scattered about. In fact, if you visit Walt Disney World in Florida, you can still ride their PeopleMover, it's called The Tomorrowland Transit Authority PeopleMover. But at least here in Disneyland you can come to this store and revisit memories of this forgotten ride.

Fantasy Faire Review

It's finally arrived, Fantasyland's Fantasy Faire. As I mentioned in a previous article, I have been planning on reviewing this attraction since before it opened, so let's get straight to it.

Aside from the fancy new buildings, Fantasy Faire doesn't really offer anything new, in terms of things to do. It's targeted toward younger audiences, unlike the Carnation Plaza Gardens that preceded it. In fact, the only remnant of those gardens is the awning and dance stage, which have had a complete makeover to appear as the "Royal Theatre".

So, what is it? It's a storybook village centered around Disney princesses; ranging from classics such as Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty, to more recent favorites like The Little Mermaid and Tangled. There's a meet-and-greet area, a new shop, and a ballroom. Obviously I don't fit the target demographic Disneyland was going for, but I'm going to leave my feedback anyway. The buildings look nice - in fact, they almost put Sleeping Beauty Castle to shame. The Imagineers really did a fantastic job creating a storybook village square, from the colorful tiled roofs down to the little maypole in the center of town.

Note the crane in the background

But WHY did they have to get rid of Carnation Plaza Gardens? I'll admit, I've only visited the gardens a couple of times. But as a regular guest, I know how much that dancing ground meant to many guests, and even to Walt Disney. I love the idea of having a designated area where guests could dance to music without disrupting crowds or feeling foolish. It was a stage where memories were shared, and remembered. I like the idea of Fantasy Faire, but couldn't it have been built somewhere less... in the middle of the park? It's not even technically in Fantasyland, although apparently Fantasyland has stretched its borders to accomodate the land outside of the Castle. Anyway, that's what I think. If you have small children, I suggest you check out this new attraction because I'm sure little kids would adore it. Me, personally? I think I'll head over to Frontierland instead.

Thunder Mountain Construction Update

I was able to drop by the park today and observe the progress on Big Thunder Mountain Railroad. They've boarded up any trace of the ride from the entrance of Frontierland all the way to Fantasyland. Apparently, they're laying down new track to make the ride go more smoothly. I'd say it's about time. This ride is one of my favorites, and I'd imagine that the high speeds and frequent train cycles aren't too kind on those steel tracks. According to Erin Glover of the official Disney Parks Blog, some parts of the Rainbow Ridge Mining Town are being replaced, the originals sent to the Disney Archives. As long as they leave Rainbow Ridge right where it is, I'm happy.

So it appears that this construction won't be complete until autumn this year. It's a shame that we won't get to ride Big Thunder this summer, but I'm excited to see the changes that will be revealed this coming fall.

Hidden Gems: Walt's Ghost

Right next door to the Main Street Town Hall at Disneyland is the Disneyland Fire Department. Guests can wander around the old-fashioned firehouse and marvel at vintage fire engines the likes of which had preceded the invention of motor cars. It may not be a functioning fire department that rushes to the scene if there's a fire on the park premises, but it's a nice addition to the old-timey feel of the Main Street facade. But in the upstairs room of the DFD lies a secret to many.

Walt Disney, the visionary behind Disneyland, liked to oversee construction and make personal changes to his beloved park. It was only fitting that he should have his own living space right on park property. And so he made his temporary home right above Main Street, in the Fire Department building. If you're a common guest, chances are you haven't been inside Walt Disney's apartment, though tours are held every morning. But next time you're walking by the Disneyland Fire Department, pay close attention to the window. See the lamp?

Guests would rely on that lamp to know when Walt was visiting the park. In a Revere-esque fashion, Walt would light the lamp when staying in his apartment, as a way of signaling to guests that the man himself was on park grounds. Ever since Walt passed away in 1966, the lamp has been lit permanently, symbolizing that Walt Disney will forever remain in Disneyland, in spirit. Hopefully in spirit. Maybe it means that his body has been cryogenically frozen in the bowels of Sleeping Beauty Castle.

All kidding aside, this is a cute little homage to Uncle Walt, who's spent 58 years watching over Disneyland. Here's to 58 more.

Top 5: Fastest FastPasses

There are some rides at Disneyland that are worth a long wait, but sometimes you just aren't in the mood to wait 50 to 100 minutes for a ride you've been on before. Maybe it's 80 degrees on a summer day and you don't feel like waiting for more than 25 minutes in the sun for Indiana Jones. Luckily for us, Disneyland created the FastPass.

First introduced in 1999, Disney's FastPass lets you skip a portion of the wait time for most rides with a long line. This ticket, usually activated 45 to 65 minutes after receiving it, allows you to spend time that would've been wasted in line on enjoying other attractions in the park. While it's nice to have a FastPass for any ride, there are some that are more worthwhile than others.

5. Grizzly River Run

It's scorching and you've come up with the brilliant idea of making your way to the only water ride in California Adventure. Unfortunately, it seems like half the people in the park had the same idea, making the line over an hour long. Even though they board quickly, you'll be waiting here for a while. The FastPass line, however, never stops moving.

4. California Screamin'

One of Disneyland's few traditional roller coasters that always has a full queue, California Screamin'. Although this magnet-powered ride moves bullet-fast, the wait seems pretty long. A FastPass in this line will have you on the ride in no time.

3. Space Mountain

When you're in Tomorrowland, there is one attraction that you're most likely here for. But if you've waited for a ride on Space Mountain on a usual day, you know that it moves anything but quickly. Half the wait is spent winding around an elevated courtyard with nothing to look at but your watch, and when you finally think you're getting somewhere, inside the building is the other half of the line. The reason this FastPass is higher on the list is mainly because of how unpleasant the outdoor wait is. The FastPass lets you go right inside where the queue is actually decorated to fit the ride's outer space theme.

2. Indiana Jones

Similar to the last ride mentioned, the main reason this FastPass is so great is because you're skipping a long wait in the sun. The outside wait is long and sweltering while you spend the entire time wishing you could just get inside. With a FastPass, you're missing the only unpleasant part of the line. Once in the building, the queue is fun and elaborately decorated, so the wait from there is not bad at all.

1. Splash Mountain

The line for this ride is 45 minutes or more year round, not just in the summer. The fact that this ride is number one on the list is a no brainer. This is one of the best rides in the park and I would stand in any line for it, but comparing the full wait to the FastPass line is impossible. While the main line is a long, slow-moving wait outdoors, a FastPass will take you past more than two thirds of the line. Really, there is nothing more satisfying than running through this line with your ticket.

Hidden Gems: Secret Bathroom

In light of Disneyland's new "Fantasy Faire" attraction (review to come soon), I'm going to reminisce upon an old favorite of mine that no longer exists. If you've been to Disneyland within the past several months, you've no doubt noticed the construction going on in front of Sleeping Beauty Castle. Well, they've finally completed Fantasy Faire, a village courtyard where guests can experience a magical meeting with their favorite Disney princess. But most older Disney guests will remember it as Carnation Plaza Gardens, a fun dance floor that frequently held dance parties. By night, live bands would play to swinging couples and guests who loved to dance after a fun day at Disneyland. Even Walt Disney himself adored the plaza and would love to dance there. But by day, the plaza was a bleak, dimly-lit dinner stage that was often empty. That made it the perfect spot for a secret room.

Okay, so it's not so secret anymore. Thanks to the internet and word-of-mouth, this hidden gem became little more than a discreet washroom behind the terrace near Fantasyland. Next to the cast-members only gate, if you walked around and behind the stone wall you'd find a secret family restroom. It was one of the first restrooms to feature new technologies like motion-sensor sinks (now used in most restrooms) and was handicap-accessible. Most guests who knew about it favored the secret bathroom due to its private location and the thrill in finding a hidden location. There are reports that the Disneyland Secret Bathroom has been moved, but I'll have to see for myself. In the meantime, enjoy the Fantasy Faire attraction that replaced it. Maybe we'll see another hidden restroom sometime soon.

THROWBACK THURSDAY: Gullywhumper

The Gullywhumper was one of the two Mike Fink Keelboats that used to take guests around the Rivers of America. Back in the days of Tom Sawyer's Island, the Gullywhumper and Bertha Mae sailed from 1955-1997.

The Bertha Mae in its heyday

The keelboats were based on the Disney TV show Davy Crockett, and were named after the "King of the River" character, Mike Fink. After the Gullywhumper capsized, the ride was shut down for good. The Bertha Mae was bought on eBay by Richard Kraft, and featured in his documentary, Finding Kraftland. But what happened to the Gullywhumper?

The Gullywhumper remained in the Rivers of America as a prop for spectators on the Disneyland Ltd., where it deteriorated over the years.

Guests on the train could watch the Gullywhumper slowly begin to sink

In 2010, the Gullywhumper was replaced with a new keelboat; a more faithful prop built to sit in the water as a tribute to what once carried guests around the rivers.

The new Gullywhumper

It even says "Gullywhumper" on the side

Hidden Gems: America Sings Goose

Shortly after The Carousel of Progress was removed, a new attraction moved in: America Sings. It featured dozens of peppy critters, furry, feathery, and scaly, all singing classic American folk songs.

 But what's that you say? Those look familiar? Well as a matter of fact, almost all of the animatronics on Splash Mountain were just stripped right from America Sings. But not all of them...

Before Splash Mountain even saw the light of day, a couple of the geese were actually skinned to their skeletons and wires, and placed in the queue for Star Tours. Go ahead, and take a gander
(pun intended) at those old nods to the past. Though Star Tours may have changed, those few old geese still occupy Tomorrowland as they always have.

Top 10: Reasons Disneyland is so Expensive

Disneyland is one of the most expensive theme parks in the world. There's no denying it. The average family who visits Disneyland may end up with hundreds of dollars missing from their wallet by the week's end. But why is that? Why are they denying underprivileged children the chance to visit the "happiest place on earth"? Is Disney the evil, money-grubbing corporation we think it is? Not exactly.

10. It's Not Always Overpriced

Does Disneyland charge too much for products? Look at their beverages. Guests may pay up to twice for a Coca-Cola or a Monster what they would pay at the grocery store. Yes, that's an extra two or three dollars, but is five bucks for a soda going to kill you? Not to mention, the numerous restaurants and various sit-down eateries throughout the park are quite affordable. And if you're really thirsty, stop by the ice cream parlor on Main Street and ask for a cup of ice water. It's free of charge.

9. Promotions

If you actually think about it, Disneyland pays fortunes for you to come and visit their park. If you're driving throughout Southern California you're bound to see loads of Disneyland billboards and hear radio commercials. You might see a Disneyland commercial during halftime on any given Sunday. These promotions aren't cheap, and while they create an endless cycle of family trips and more advertising, how else are they going to get you to come to the park? It works like a trade.

8. Sanitation

Have you ever been to Disneyland and seen trash piled up on the ground? Or cups crushed flat on the pavement? Candy and ice cream wrappers swept into the curbs? No, you probably haven't. Disneyland hires an army of discreet janitors who sweep discarded trash into their dustbins as soon as it hits the ground. It costs a lot of money to keep Disneyland as pristine as it is. If they weren't cleaning the Magic Kingdom 24/7, you'd encounter a lot more rotten food and vomit all over the place. If you don't believe me, go to Six Flags and compare.

7. Expansion

Believe it or not, Disneyland is always expanding. This can be said even more so of Disney World. But yes, even Disneyland is constantly adding to their resort, building new pools for the hotels or new sections for their parks. I'm sure Cars Land in DCA wasn't cheap. Remember when California Adventure was just a parking lot? The Disney Parks are constantly working to compensate as many guests as possible and create a less-crowded, more spacious environment for its worldwide selection of guests.

6. Merchandise

Disneyland is frequently stocking the shelves with stuffed animals, clothing, knick knacks, and pretty much anything you can think of. They have to mint pins for pin traders, and manufacture cups and hats and toys. They sell hundreds of thousands of items per day and a good portion of that revenue goes straight to re-stocking the shops for the very next day. Obviously they're turning a profit from all of this merchandise, but believe me, in selling these products they want to provide every guest with as much satisfaction as they can.

5. Ride Construction

You don't think rides just appear magically at Disneyland, do you? Of course, that's what the Imagineers would like you to think. Ride construction is actually an extremely meticulous and expensive process. Contractors are hired to imagine and plot the rides. Concept drawings and models are made on paper and on the computer. Occupied land space is bulldozed to make room for the new attractions. Materials are purchased and most often imported, where they are constructed in warehouses and assembled on the park grounds. Disneyland maps, websites, and commercials are updated to preview the new attractions, and additional costs are spent each day to maintain and run those rides. As you can well imagine, each ride costs Disney a pretty penny and they only get more and more expensive. Disney World's Expedition Everest cost a whopping 100 million dollars just to build. That's over three months of total park revenue.

4. Quality Food

Disney Parks have the best theme park food in the world. Seriously. Some restaurants such as Wine Country Trattoria and Carthay Circle are renowned food establishments. Are they expensive? Certainly. But you don't have to pay a royalty to eat high-quality food at Disneyland. The Tomorrowland Terrace, Gumbo Shop, and the turkey leg stands all offer delicious meals for under 10 dollars.

3. Cast Member Salary

Think about how many people must work at the Disneyland Resort. All the costumed characters, janitors, chefs, food vendors... all the security guards and secret service members... There's approximately 20,000 employees at Disneyland. And considering that working at Disneyland isn't exactly a minimum wage occupation, you have to expect that all 20,000 employees are going to require a paycheck just like any other job. Every restaurant, every ride, in fact every 185 square feet of the entire resort will have a cast member in it. And they're the smiliest, friendliest employees you can find. Even though Disney probably treats them like drones. So just remember that when you drop a hundred dollars on a park ticket, you're paying for all of those ice cream salesmen who have to slave away in the sun, and Goofys and Tiggers your kids took a picture with.

2. Maintenance

If you're a regular at Disneyland, every once in a while you've probably had to step off of a ride, or maybe you walked all the way to Adventureland to find that Indiana Jones has been closed for repair. Sure, it's a bummer at the time, but be grateful that Disneyland offers so much care to their rides and attractions. In fact, if they didn't have scheduled repairs or shut down the rides at the first sign of malfunction, those rides could be closed for months at a time. Disneyland is always innovating new ways to make the rides safe and operate cleanly, to prevent as many disasters as possible.

1. Just Because

Now before you accuse me of copping out of a real reason, hear me out. Disney is a multi-billion dollar franchise, and they're always looking to make as much money as they possibly can. And with great power comes great responsibility. The park costs billions of dollars to run each year, and they end up keeping approximately half of their revenue. So while prices are always increasing for annual passes or food and merchandise, so are the costs that Disneyland has to pay. So of course Disneyland is expensive, but it's also the greatest amusement park in the world. You're donating a lot of cash to keep Disneyland as awesome as it is, so why not enjoy it?

Disneyland's New Child Admission Policy

Disneyland has just announced a new rule that will be effective this weekend. Children under the age of 14 will not be admitted into the park without a parent. This poses a problem for parents who don't want to pay for parking and prefer to drop their children off at the park. Or worse, children on vacation whose parents didn't buy a pass to accompany their kids. Personally, I don't think this rule should exist at all. By the age of 14, aren't kids responsible enough to spend a day at Disneyland alone? How dangerous could it be? 10 or under, I'd understand, but 14? Those kids don't want to go to Disneyland with their mom and dad! I'm curious to see the controversy that will ensue.

Hidden Gems: Max Buff and Melvin

The psychotropic children's ride, The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh, holds a number of clever easter eggs. A couple of Hidden Mickeys and, well, that's about it. But if you were alive in the 90's or earlier, then this hidden gem may come as a pleasant surprise. Remember what existed before The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh? It was none other than the Country Bear Jamboree!

No, not those Country Bears...

That's more like it.

The Country Bear Jamboree was a show where visitors could watch animatronic animals play instruments, not dissimilar to what you would find at a Chuck-E-Cheese. It included a cast of characters such as Zeek and Zeb and Ted and Fred and a bear named Tennessee. And of course, Max the stag, Buff the buffalo, and Melvin the moose, three severed animal heads mounted on the wall that performed a song and introduced the show.

Melvin Buff and Max in their prime

Sadly, all 17 bears are nowhere to be found, likely dismantled for their parts to be used on other rides. But what happened to Max, Buff, and Melvin? Well, going back to The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh...

They're still there. Hanging above unsuspecting riders

Make sure you turn all the way around after the hallucinogenic Heffalumps and Woozles scene. The heads are huge, you can't miss them. If you ever miss the old Country Bear Jamboree look no further than the attraction that replaced it in 2001.

Top 10: Worst Rides

Bad rides at Disneyland. They exist. Whether you've been dragged aboard by a child or younger sibling, or you've had to endure them to uphold the claim of having rode on every ride in Disney, these are those annoying, boring, and just flat out unimaginative rides that we probably won't look back on in the future.

To preface this list, I shall establish that as of Saturday, March 16, 2013, all of these rides (unfortunately) operate at Disneyland Resort in California. As superior as the ride selection at Disney World is, there are simply too many bad attractions there to compile into a top 10 list.


10. King Triton's Carousel of the Sea

Located on the boardwalk of Paradise Pier, this ride seems to just be a last-minute decision by the Imagineers. It's almost like someone was playing Roller Coaster Tycoon and said, "There needs to be a ride here. We'll just slap on a merry-go-round." I put it pretty high on the list because the ride is what it is: a carousel. I have nothing against carousels, as I believe the King Arthur Carousel in Fantasyland to be much more thought-out and aesthetically pleasing. This one is bland and the wire-frame roof just makes it look unfinished. So sit back on a purple otter or an orange dolphin and listen to the sickening loop of carnival music. If you're looking for a Little Mermaid-themed ride, try Ariel's Undersea Adventure instead.

9. Gadget's Go Coaster

Chip 'n Dale Rescue Rangers. Does anyone even remember that show? It was a somewhat popular Disney Channel cartoon that ran for a mere one year before cancellation. Who would have thought it would spawn a Disney ride? Well, just like the TV series, Gadget's Go Coaster is too short, and rather unsatisfying. That's really all there is to it. I remember riding this coaster at a very young age, so the up side is that it's a good roller coaster for kids. I put this one at number 9 because I had to give credit to the imagineers. The whole thing is really creative and after 20 years it still looks nice. You ride in a little roller skate and the whole thing looks like it's made out of tinker toys. But aside from the creative nature of the structure and surrounding scenery, the ride offers very little.

8. Mater's Junkyard Jamboree

Although I love the new Cars Land attraction (more so than the disappointing movies it was based on), this ride doesn't exactly live up to the standard set by the rest of it. As I said in another review, this ride is basically a remake of Francis' Lady Bug Boogie at Flik's Fun Fair. It jerks you around in the back of a tractor and tosses you from side to side. I appreciate the mechanics and how the tractors switch tracks after each rotation, but did we really need another one of these? It's like a combination of the Teacups in Fantasyland and the Atom Smasher at Six Flags. And the song just gets annoying, like some kind of nightmarish square dance on repeat. Don't let this ride deter you, check out the other rides at Cars Land before riding Mater's Junkyard Jamboree.

Also, am I the only one who's really disturbed by the fact that Mater collects the body parts of dead cars? Maybe there's a side to Mater we're not seeing...

They should call it "Mater's Slaughterhouse Jamboree"

7. Goofy's Sky School

Let me begin by saying that I truly think this is a fun ride. It's like Project X at Legoland or Cheetah Chase at Busch Gardens... in fact, it's like every other wild mouse ride ever built. And that's why it made the list. Disney rides are supposed to be unique and special, but Goofy's Sky School is just a cookie-cutter wild mouse coaster in the corner of Paradise Pier. While I approve of the makeover from Mulholland Madness to a tribute to the 1940 cartoon, "Goofy's Glider", I still don't see the appeal of an off-the-shelf DIY roller coaster you can find at any fun fair across the country.

6. Golden Zephyr

Not much to say about this ride. You hop in a chrome zeppelin and spin around a few times at the speed of a snail. It really blows. It's not all bad though, it usually boards quickly, has short wait times, and it has a nice little breeze, similar to Tomorrowland's infinitely better Astro Orbitor. It really is a slow ride with no thrill value, and judging by the immense amount of space it takes up, it seems like Disney could have built something a little more entertaining. I'll pass.

5. Jumpin' Jellyfish

Even as a kid I thought this ride was lame. It's a little drop tower and not much else. Lance Hart of ScreamScape said that Gadget's Go Coaster, Silly Symphony Swings, and Jumpin' Jellyfish, are all "off-the-shelf". Looking back on it, a lot of the simple Paradise Pier rides are just that, and don't offer anything new to the amusement park spectrum. Save for Toy Story Midway Mania, and the Ferris Wheel's swinging gondolas. I guess with Maliboomer, Tower of Terror, and this, Disney figured they didn't need three drop tower rides. It's just a shame they got rid of Maliboomer instead of this bore-fest.

4. Flik's Flyers

Wow. Next to Golden Zephyr, this is as bland a ride as you can imagine. You step into one of the disproportionately-sized Chinese take-out or animal cracker boxes and the ride, assembled from trash, spins around for a few minutes. A Bug's Land had an infamous reputation upon opening that the rides were just thrown together last-minute and really aren't that enjoyable. That's just about spot-on. It's hard to imagine someone of any age wanting to go to Disneyland just to ride in a spinning box or pill bug-shaped bumper cars. I hope they raze A Bug's Land and build something a little more lasting.

3. Finding Nemo Submarine Voyage

This ride is utterly a letdown; a vile reminder of the beautiful and imaginative ride that once was. The 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea Submarine Voyage. My earliest memories as a child are being carried down the ladder by a cast member, pressing my face against the glass, watching the giant squid attack the Nautilus, the graveyard of lost ships. You'd hear the spiel from Captain Nemo, and of course X. Atencio in the background saying "Aye aye, all ahead one third. Stand by the mooring lines." The bubbles shroud the vessel and you're transported to an underwater reef teeming with colorful plants and plastic fish. At such a young age I developed a love for marine life and the ocean, and I even got a scuba license because of that passion. But mine, and so many other hearts were broken when in 1998, the Nautilus, Neptune, Sea Star, Explorer, Seeker, Argonaut, Triton, and Sea Wolf all made their final voyage. But I never forgot the memories I made on that ride, and I waited patiently for it to reopen, as Disney had promised that final year. Almost a decade I waited, and as soon as the ride was reopened 9 years later, I waited for four hours in line. But it was like camping out to see The Phantom Menace. Little did I know that half the ride would be infested with CGI projections. Gone were the golden treasures of Atlantis, the circling sharks and glaciers hanging from the surface. Now we see a computer-generated Nemo and his turtle friend talking about all the "butts" on the seafloor. Why can't Disney get it right with Pixar rides? Only the Toy Story and Cars rides are even worth waiting for, and those are backed up for an hour on a good day. I implore Disney to demolish this sad excuse for an attraction, and bring back an updated 20KL. Finding Nemo was one of my favorite movies, but a ride based on it? It's already become outdated.

2. Davy Crockett's Explorer Canoes

For over 50 years, guests have been able to paddle their way around Tom Sawyer's Island (now Pirate's Lair) in Indian canoes. Sounds like fun, right? Well, you'd think it would be. But picture sitting in front of a rambunctious little brat whose only enjoyment is showering you in filthy, icy, green muck water. Or maybe you're behind a lazy tourist who sticks her paddle in the water every five minutes, spraying you with said muck that two people died in. Such is a typical experience on Davy Crockett's Explorer Canoes. The experience might be a little more pleasant if you were seated behind the Harvard rowing team, but let's be realistic. Instead, you're treated to tangling your paddle with first-time rowers who don't know how to sync with the guides. No matter where you're sitting, this ride will get you more soaked than Splash Mountain. And often, a child will drop their paddle in the water and watch it drift to shore, or get shredded to pieces by the Mark Twain. Who can blame them? I wouldn't force my son or daughter to endure this dreadful experience unless I wanted to punish them. And it's not like you can just stop rowing. The boat may be on a track, but it is the only Disney ride that's actually powered by guests, so if enough people stop rowing, the boat will come to a halt and you'll have to sit there. Better than getting drenched in river sludge, I suppose.

1. Heimlich's Chew Chew Train

Chances are, you've never even been on this ride. Heck, you may never even have heard of it. But it's pathetic. I mean, this is a really lousy ride. I can't believe I'm actually calling it a ride. Those festive trains that go around in circles at the mall are more fun than Heimlich's Chew Chew Train. And don't tell me that it's a baby ride that kids will enjoy. I first rode this ride when I was seven, and it became a joke between me and my friends on the playground. You ride inside the gluttonous yet lovable caterpillar Heimlich, from A Bug's Life, as he eats his way through everything in search of candy corn. It lasts for about five minutes. Five minutes of excruciating torture. You ride through enormous foodstuffs of varying scales and hear Heimlich say such classic lines as, "Zer's a fork in ze road! Vich vay to go?" when approaching a large, literal fork. The cheesy kiddy music will ring in your ears for the rest of the day. Maybe even the rest of your life. Please, do yourself a favor and do not even set foot on this ride. It's really not worth it. If your child wants to ride on Heimlich's Chew Chew Train, take them on literally any other ride instead. Even Flik's Flyers. Just stay away from this monstrosity. It is, in my opinion, one of the worst rides in Disneyland history. Second only to Superstar Limo. But that's another story.

Rest in Peace, Joe Ranft.